I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
