Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
