Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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