if i can run in heels then i can drive
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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