Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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