Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
