I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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