I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
