I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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