I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
