Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
