I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
