Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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