Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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