Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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