I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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