I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
