he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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