i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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