her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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