If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
dude. I can hear the air.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
