The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
