There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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