I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
