apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize