I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
false alarm, still single
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