He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
