When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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