I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
