so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
