if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
