the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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