alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
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