Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
