Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
