I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
