Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
