A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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