cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
