Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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