I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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