So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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