Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im holly from the hills drunk
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
