Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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