My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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