The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She bit a glass in half.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
