I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
