I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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