That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
