Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
