Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize