I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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