I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
