I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
