Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
