I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
