I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i am craving dick and cupcakes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
