She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
