mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
