i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
