Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
