4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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