There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
