I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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